Peace the world cannot give

It has been a year since we lost our sweet baby Christian.  And where I'm at now is more trusting and faithful in the Lord than I ever thought possible.  I know God has been with me because otherwise I would be afraid. and fear does not come from the Lord. 

 "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 

This gift was surely given to us and I am forever thankful.  I know God has a plan for our family and whether that means being able to have more children on our own, adopting, or only having Caden and Christian we have no idea. But we will trust in His plan even when we cannot see the purpose.
  As a planner it's very difficult to just trust and and know that God is in control.  I want to take control. I want to know what to expect. I want, I want I want!  But God knows what I NEED.  And above all I need Him.  We cannot do anything without Him.  I can't be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, woman without Him in my life. 

I miss Christian deeply.  But there is no place for pain when I know he is with God.  There is no better place.  Not even here with us.  So instead I REJOICE that God trusted us to LOVE him even for such a brief time.  I do not understand why he was taken so soon but that is why faith is so important.  I know that "God causes all things  to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 

Thank you all for your love and support and prayers for our family.  I just pray I can give the same support in return. 

I love yall so much.

Never say Never

We all have our ideas of the kind of parents we want to be.  Some have strict ideals and others fly by the seat of their pants!  Some things come to us naturally.  Some we learn about by reading books, talking to other parents, or better yet, praying for the answer!  A big part of parenting is also learning from your little one.  

What I've learned so far is to never say never!   As I go through each day I laugh at the things we do that we said we would never do.  "Oh our house will never have toys all over the place!"  I know, are you laughing? Because I am!  But I've learned it has to be seen to be played with!  Out of sight, out of mind for real.  It's like he forgets he ever had that toy but once I pull it out of it's "spot" it's like Christmas! So I rotate them out so he wont get too bored. Lesson learned ;)

"we'll never let our kid scream and cause a scene in public" I still do think discipline is important and a child should know boundaries. But when you've been in a store forever trying to find what you need and then have to wait in line for what seems like an hour and you've gone into what should be nap time and your little one is just oh sooo tired and cranky the tears start coming and oh you're such an aweful mom for not responding to the "hold me! Hold me!" cries!  I've learned sometimes you just have to ignore the tears when efforts to calm and soothe fail.  He's not being bad, he's just little and upset and sleepy.

It's also funny the things caden loves that I at first swore we would stay away from but now love just as much! Like Yo Gabba Gabba.  The first couple episodes I thought NO WAY. This is crazy town!  But Caden loved it so I gave it a shot and now I can sing along and say phrases from the show on a whim ;) I love it because he loves it.  His current favorite show is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  And like gabba gabba I found it very annoying at first.  But watching caden dance and sing along to Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog I have to say it's my favorite too :)

Seeing joy in him brings us joy too.  Just like God's joy for us.  No matter what kind of parent you are parenting with God by your side will be the right way.  Finding peace and joy in him in the midst of any storm.  Abiding in Christ and bearing much fruit.
" I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." John 15:5

I find so much joy in the blessing of being a Mother.  It's indescribable.  Like God's love for us. Indescribable, amazing, neverending, unfailing LOVE. 

Happy Valentines day!

Last night I was looking through old pictures of our little man and I miss that little baby stage so much! I found a picture from last year on valentines day and wanted to share a then and now of Caden. :)

He's such a big boy now! Its amazing how much they grow in just a year! I love him to pieces. And of course so does Jeremy.  What an awesome feeling to be a parent!   I could go on and on but if you're a mommy you already know :) So I hope you had a wonderful Valentines day and were able to spend it with the ones you love.

Do everything with love

Take deep breaths. That's what I keep telling myself. When it hurts so much I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, or think.  Just take a deep breath.  Remember that God is in control.  Know that He is there for me. It's so much harder than it sounds.  Everyone has been so kind and loving.  They all give words of advice and while I know God has a plan and I do trust in Him it doesn't stop the hurt.  

Everything is different.  Some days are better than others.  And really it's not a whole day that's painful but more like moments when something triggers those emotions.  I feel like it's mostly at night.  When Caden's in bed and I dont have a task or activity keeping me occupied.  My mind starts to think about all that has happened. Remembers that at this time of the day I would normally be feeling his strong kicks. Researching things to register for.  Blogging about the pregnancy. Feeling completely content.  Now I feel lost almost.  Part of me wants to jump back into a routine of working out, cleaning, organizing, constantly on the go.  But then I feel guilty.  And all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a few days.  If only Caden would be willing to cuddle with me for that long.  He would get bored after an hour... lol. Silly boy.

I'm so eternally grateful for Caden.  He makes everything better. 

I can't even say how wonderful everyone has been during this time for us.  My mommy and me group arranged meals for us for the last two weeks.  People from Jeremy's work have brought us meals too and we have received so many flowers and plants and cards and letters from not only friends and family but strangers who heard our story and wanted to send their love and prayers.  I know I said it doesn't stop the hurt but to feel the love from others is definitely comforting.

I've been trying to find comfort in the word.  Right now this is my favorite verse: ‎"Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13
I feel like this describes who I am and what I try to do every day.  When I read it I feel stronger.  "And do everything with love" Isn't that so powerful?  It is easy to start to get angry and upset and want to take it out on those around me.  Tell everyone to stop talking and leave me alone!  But it's important to still show others that despite this pain we are going through that we still love the Lord.  And we love others.  So I would like to leave you with those words today.  I pray that no matter what you are going through that you remember to "Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love."

In LOVE

God's love is just pouring into me this morning.  I'm sitting here at the kitchen table listening to the radio while Caden walks around in his jammies carrying his spoon from his oatmeal and being his usual adorable self.  Chester is doing his best to run away from Caden and I'm sure Tigger is laying in the sunlight coming through the window in the living room.   It's a beautiful fall morning outside and I'm itching to start my morning walks again!

I am so IN LOVE. With everything and everyone! I know I get wrapped up in the every day routines, tasks, worries and I don't always stop to acknowledge God's Grace and Love.  Right now I'm just recognizing God in everything around me.

He brought Jeremy and I together and i'm so thankful everyday for that. And when Jeremy walked in the door yesterday with flowers for me I just thanked Him again. I'm so blessed to have Jeremy as my husband. We have our arguments and don't always see eye to eye but we're only human and God helps us everyday in our marriage. We just have to remember that. If we try to do it on our own, it will never work.

Caden is a special gift to us from God. Who else could have created such a beautiful, funny boy? Who else healed him when he was in the NICU and had pneumonia on Christmas? God is truly amazing and I am just trusting in Him to watch over Christian. 

Today is my first appointment with the specialist in Atlanta and I am a little nervous.  I have no idea what to expect!  I can only give it to God and just trust in His plan for all of us.

So no matter what happens I am so thankful for my life.  Our beautiful home, our marriage, our family, our friends. And most importantly God's love. No my life's not perfect but I do my best to focus on the good and not dwell on the bad. I acknowledge it, give it to God and let it go!  I encourage you to try it too.  It works, I promise. And that's God's promise too ;)