Peace the world cannot give

It has been a year since we lost our sweet baby Christian.  And where I'm at now is more trusting and faithful in the Lord than I ever thought possible.  I know God has been with me because otherwise I would be afraid. and fear does not come from the Lord. 

 "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 

This gift was surely given to us and I am forever thankful.  I know God has a plan for our family and whether that means being able to have more children on our own, adopting, or only having Caden and Christian we have no idea. But we will trust in His plan even when we cannot see the purpose.
  As a planner it's very difficult to just trust and and know that God is in control.  I want to take control. I want to know what to expect. I want, I want I want!  But God knows what I NEED.  And above all I need Him.  We cannot do anything without Him.  I can't be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, woman without Him in my life. 

I miss Christian deeply.  But there is no place for pain when I know he is with God.  There is no better place.  Not even here with us.  So instead I REJOICE that God trusted us to LOVE him even for such a brief time.  I do not understand why he was taken so soon but that is why faith is so important.  I know that "God causes all things  to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 

Thank you all for your love and support and prayers for our family.  I just pray I can give the same support in return. 

I love yall so much.

3 months

It's been 3 months since Christian went to be with Jesus.  Our hearts still hurt, and we still think of him every day.  God has been here for us in every way possible.  No one will ever understand why God calls children home to Him. All we can do is trust. And have FAITH. 

My faith has grown exponentially the last 3 months.  God knows our pain and continues to comfort us.  The biggest comfort He gave us is Caden.  What a miracle to have Caden in our lives.  He is such a joy and I praise God for every second we get to be his parents. 

I think one of the hardest things in life is to let go of control.  God is in control no matter what our plans are.  Our dream was to have a house full of kids.  While that could still be a possibility with adoption, or surrogacy or whatever, it's not up to me.  So I remind myself every day to let go.  Let go of control.  Know that God's plan is perfect and mine isn't.  If Caden is our only child our lives will be complete!  If we are blessed with more it will be even more complete!  Because it was God's will. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

Do everything with love

Take deep breaths. That's what I keep telling myself. When it hurts so much I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, or think.  Just take a deep breath.  Remember that God is in control.  Know that He is there for me. It's so much harder than it sounds.  Everyone has been so kind and loving.  They all give words of advice and while I know God has a plan and I do trust in Him it doesn't stop the hurt.  

Everything is different.  Some days are better than others.  And really it's not a whole day that's painful but more like moments when something triggers those emotions.  I feel like it's mostly at night.  When Caden's in bed and I dont have a task or activity keeping me occupied.  My mind starts to think about all that has happened. Remembers that at this time of the day I would normally be feeling his strong kicks. Researching things to register for.  Blogging about the pregnancy. Feeling completely content.  Now I feel lost almost.  Part of me wants to jump back into a routine of working out, cleaning, organizing, constantly on the go.  But then I feel guilty.  And all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a few days.  If only Caden would be willing to cuddle with me for that long.  He would get bored after an hour... lol. Silly boy.

I'm so eternally grateful for Caden.  He makes everything better. 

I can't even say how wonderful everyone has been during this time for us.  My mommy and me group arranged meals for us for the last two weeks.  People from Jeremy's work have brought us meals too and we have received so many flowers and plants and cards and letters from not only friends and family but strangers who heard our story and wanted to send their love and prayers.  I know I said it doesn't stop the hurt but to feel the love from others is definitely comforting.

I've been trying to find comfort in the word.  Right now this is my favorite verse: ‎"Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13
I feel like this describes who I am and what I try to do every day.  When I read it I feel stronger.  "And do everything with love" Isn't that so powerful?  It is easy to start to get angry and upset and want to take it out on those around me.  Tell everyone to stop talking and leave me alone!  But it's important to still show others that despite this pain we are going through that we still love the Lord.  And we love others.  So I would like to leave you with those words today.  I pray that no matter what you are going through that you remember to "Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love."

A little healing

It's been a week today.  I wasn't sure if I would blog about any of this but I kind of need to.  Every day is a little better.  The pain will never go away but we know we can heal from this, and that we will one day see our baby boy in Heaven.  We ask God every day for strength and understanding.  Why did He take our baby?  Why give us such a beautiful blessing only to take him away..... and so soon?  Before he even got a chance to take his first breath.  Hear our voices.  Feel our love and kisses and hugs. Meet his big brother. The questions go on and on. But we know....even though we can't possibly understand.. that God has a purpose for all of this.  

The pain is unreal.  But we are together. Jeremy has been so strong for me when I'm weak, and I for him.  And Caden has been just an angel.  He makes us laugh and is a little rascall :)  He's been absolutely spoiled of course.  His Nana loving all over him while we were gone, and my mom was able to give him tons of memaw love while she was here with us.  Having him has made this process better but hard too if that makes sense.  Because we know what it's like to love him and have a child we know what we are missing out on with Christian.  But it's also a blessing because we have him to love and cherish.   Despite all of this we are still Caden's parents.  I can't stop being his mommy because I'm hurting. Nor do i want to.  And neither does Jeremy. 

We are so grateful for the love and support from all of our friends and family.  We were so blessed that my Mom could fly in to be with us.  And happy that Alysa is still able to stay.  So many people have been bringing us meals and praying for us.  So thank you for being there for us. 

We picked up Christian's ashes yesterday from the funeral home.  We picked out a beautiful brushed bronze box and had it engraved with his name, the date I delivered him, and a verse.  It turned out so perfect.  They also provided laminated copies of the obituary.   It helps that his ashes are here with us now.  I know he's with the Lord but it still makes me feel better. 

So this is where we are at.  Just taking it a day at a time. Praying.  Lifting eachother up. Listening to eachother when we are angry, or just need to talk about it and comforting eachother when we're sad. One day at a time.

Christian

He's in Heaven now.  There's not much else to say.  I don't want to talk about the events that have happened since we found out he passed.  Just know it's not been easy. And it's been traumatic.  We have had a lot of support from friends and family.  Thank you for praying for us.

First transfusion

It's Monday so we had our appointment in Atlanta today.  The baby has fluid in his abdomen, and chest around his heart and the velocity of the blood flow through the brain was very very high.  So he will need a transfusion.  :(

I was wondering if we would need one now because his movement as of yesterday afternoon was greatly decreased.  I normally feel him kick during dinner and then when I'm laying down going to bed.  But I only felt one kick and then nothing.  But since we were having the ultrasound I knew we would see how he was doing so i didn't want to stress over it.  I still haven't felt him move today but during the ultrasound she said he's still moving around so again I'm doing my best to not stress!  He just doesn't feel that great I'm sure... poor little guy.

Once they saw the need for the transfusion they took measurements of the baby to see how much he weighed so they knew how much blood they would need.  He weighs a little over a pound!  So his weight is still very good.  After that they took my blood so they could find the correct blood and talk about OUCH!  The lady first took some out of my right arm.  The first stick didn't hurt.  But after she was done she realized she actually needed two not just one!  So she started to try again in the same arm and same vein... when she stuck me it HURT!!!  The vein rolled and she kept trying to get it.... ouch ouch ouch.  I suggested she try the other arm LOL.  So she did and even though she got the vein the first time it still hurt.  Now they are both sore.  blah. 

SO what to expect tomorrow.  I'll have to be there early so they can get me prepped.  The transfusion is supposed to start around 4 so they need me there at 2:30.  I know pretty much what to expect with the procedure but I'll share all those details afterwards so they are more accurate.  I will have to be there for a few hours after the transfusion to make sure me and the baby are doing ok.  If so then we can go home and don't have to stay overnight.  If it's just too late and we want to stay we can so that's good.  We'll just play it by ear obviously.

I trust God with all of this and am focusing on just giving it to him.  He is in control and this is His plan.  At first when the doctor was talking to us I was fine. I knew what to expect and that it would come to this soon.  I'm still fine but the more I think about it the more it's starting to make me anxious.  I doubt I'll get any sleep tonight!  Jeremy of course is wonderful through all of this.  He's concerned as well but his support and love makes it that much easier to handle.  So thankful he is able to be with me at all my appointments.  And always so incredibly thankful my MIL Alysa is able to be here to take care of Caden for us.  That in itself would have been the biggest stress in all of this.

Thank you again for yall's prayers.  Please keep Christian in your prayers tomorrow!  There is a less than 5% chance that something could go wrong but extra prayers never hurt.  Will definitely provide an update tomorrow when I can.  Most likely while I'm at the hospital being monitored after the transfusion.   

There's a healthy baby in my tummy :)

hello hello :)  As you can tell from the title we had another good appointment today!  I had my 20 week ultrasound at my OB Dr. Simpson.  They took some pictures and measurements of CAM to make sure he looks healthy and on track.  And he is!!  Everything is looking just great so far and we couldn't feel more blessed!  He weighs approx 14 oz right now which is great.  According to the little pregnancy calendars on babycenter, and what to expect I guess the average is around 10 oz. so yay for CAM!! 
His little heart beat has consistently been perfect too. 

I got some pictures today but they aren't that interesting haha.  Kind of hard to tell what they are, and the other pictures I've posted are better. 

I'm so happy.  With all the bad news from the beginning it's just such an amazing blessing that Christian is doing so wonderfully.  God is so good. And I'll say it again.... if we have to get a transfusion it's ok because God will be there watching over him. So it's ok. Everything's going to be just fine! 

Now for the vain part of pregancy my weight! HAHA!  From the previous post I didn't mention my weight because it was a BAD weigh in day.  Too much sodium or something made that scale crazy and me too.  But after cutting out the soda and candy that I was eating too much of I'm back on track.  Total weight gained so far 8 pounds!  I asked the nurse today if she could compare where I was at with Caden and because I switched doctors during that pregnancy they didn't have my weight until 28 weeks.  But at 28 weeks with Caden I was 20 pounds heavier than I am right now....  PUKE.  So to put that in perspective If I was doing the same thing as last time... i.e. NOTHING! than I would gain 20 pounds over the next 2 months...That's 2.5 pounds a week.  How about NO.  To be fair to myself I couldn't do anything with Caden because I had placenta previa. So that meant no walking, excersizing, and just had to be off my feet as much as possible.  But I prob could have eaten better.  Oh well.  I know better this time. And I can excersize! 

Anyway I hope yall are having a wonderful Wednesday!  We sure are!! 

Another week safe!!

Wow what a day!  The appointment went well but it was definitely pretty scary at first!  First, we were called back and the nurse started doing the ultrasound.  It was a different nurse than usual.  As she was doing the measurements I could tell she wasn't used to doing this particular type of ultrasound because of the way she was trying to read the blood flow in the brain.  She kept trying to get the right read and couldn't quite get it.  Her readings were really high!  when we saw those high numbers my heart started to race.  She took forever and then we had to wait a little longer than usual for the doctor after she left. 

While she was gone Jeremy and I both agreed that she wasn't that skilled at the ultrasound and to try and be calm until the doctor came in and did his own.  The doctor came in and was quiet and concerned.  Behind him came the nurse that did the first ultrasound and then another nurse that would draw blood to start the search for the blood to do the transfusion.  This made me worry because the first nurse never comes back in, and we especially don't see the other nurse unless she's needed..... I held my breath as the doctor did his measurement of the blood flow and he breathed a sigh of relief when his readings were the same as last week :) 

Phew!!  So happy and relieved!  Like we thought the nurse just had done it wrong.  The doctor said the baby has continued to be just slightly anemic.  But nothing that warrants a transfusion yet.  I'm so glad!  And it's such a comfort to see the doctor just as concerned and relieved as we are :)  He was excited that we are still continuing to not need a transfusion and of course so are we!  God is really watching over Christian.  So I just continue to pray and trust in God's plan no matter what. 

My next appointment with my regular doctor is on Wednesday so we'll get some measurements of the baby and see how big he is!  Excited for this week and Caden's first trick or treating this weekend! 

Oh and Caden was SOOO cute when I walked in the door, he heard my voice and immediately came running ( as fast as his little legs would take him ) with his arms straight up in the air with a very excited/concerned face!  haha.  Like yay mommy is home, but why have you been gone so long? hehehe.  Love love love love love him. 

20 weeks!

This weekend I'm 20 weeks!!  More than half way there since I know I'll have Christian early.  How early obviously we don't know but yay!  I feel like I've blown up these passed two weeks.  I went from barely showing to feeling huge!  I won't even say what the scale says because I don't want to believe it yet ;) haha.  But i'm still able to wear my regular pants just with the awesome rubber band trick around the button. So that makes me feel better. But I still need to get walking!  I've been terrible at making time for my daily walks that i used to love so much!   Here's some pics I took today. 

Yep there's the little man back there in his diaper. ;) hehe. He was so cute today talking up a storm. I can't wait to hear him say actual words! 

So this week you will get two more special 20 week blog posts because I have my appointment in Atlanta tomorrow and my 20 week ultrasound at my OB on Wednesday.  i thought about waiting and just posting everything in one but that would probably be one LONG post!  So I'll break it up for ya.  We will have a busy week but i pray it's fun! Hope you have a fabulous week too!

19 weeks!

19 weeks tomorrow.  Practically half way through!  Even with the pending possible transfusion on Monday I'm doing my best to focus on the fun things about this pregnancy!  It's very easy to just think about the doctor appointments and forget that even though there's scary things going on, there's still lots of fun things to be excited about! 

Yes I've finally popped! I popped at 17 weeks again like I did with Caden but am just now taking a picture. Sorry about that!  The awesome difference however is that I'm still able to wear my regular jeans!  some of them I can't button but I just use a ponytail holder and loop it around the button to keep it closed :) hehe.  Also I've only gained 4 pounds.  With Caden at this point although I can't remember exactly how much I weighed it was enough to not be able to fit into my pants! blah. 

I was really excited after my trip to Wal-Mart this afternoon because the lady checking me out asked if I was prego :) I'm glad she asked because I would rather someone ask then just wonder about whether or not I have a gut! LOL.  So here's a picture of baby Christian poking out of my tummy :)

Specialist appointment #2.

Today we had our second appointment with Dr. Korotkin in Atlanta.   Not the greatest news.  After monitoring the blood flow in the baby the doctor informed us that Christian is stable for now but that his blood flow is a little fast and is starting to become anemic.  This means his little body isn't quite able to keep up with creating new red blood cells as the antibodies attack them. The doctor then consulted with his partners and they all had the same conclusion that because the baby is stable right now to wait another week and see what his status is then.  If he is getting worse then they will go ahead and do an intrauterine transfusion.  Right now at 18 weeks the baby's veins in the umbilical cord are still small and it will be more of a risk to try it now than to wait another week.  (The veins in the umbilical cord are what they will use to do the transfusion)

They took some of my blood today so they could start finding the right type of blood to give to the baby.  He wants to see us first thing Monday morning.  If it looks like he will need a transfusion then they will go ahead and admit me to the hospital and I will possibly get the transfusion Tuesday or Wednesday.  Once it's complete I will stay for a little while for monitoring to make sure the baby is ok.  Could be a couple hours, maybe another night.  Just depends on what happens.  So I will have to come prepared with a bag packed.  And prepared to leave Caden for a few nights.

( Once we receive one transfusion for the baby we can expect to need one every 3 to 4 weeks until we can safely deliver him)

My Mother in law arrived last night.  We're so thankful she's here.  She watched Caden for us today while we were gone and will keep him for us should we have to stay in Atlanta for a few nights.  I've NEVER left Caden for that long.  Not overnight.  I know he will be fine but still. He's my bubba.  And the thought of Christian being in distress just makes me want to be near Caden even more. 

So that's where we're at.  This is happening a lot faster than we thought.  We knew it was a possibility but were hoping we could have a few good news appointments first.   God is with us and has a plan for Christian.  I know he's going to be ok. I just know it.  But it is still scary.  I have all these emotions at once and I'm keeping them in check.  If I just stay busy enough I don't have to sit there and dwell on something that is completely out of my control.  I can't do anything to change it.  It's nobody's fault. It's just what's happening and obsessing and crying and worrying will only make me and those around me miserable. 
God is telling us to trust in Him.  And I do. We do.

Thank yall for all your prayers.  They really do work.  I pray that even if we have to have a transfusion so soon that it goes smoothly and that we just continue to receive them as needed and until we are able to meet our little boy in person.  For now, even though I can't physically hold him, I'll protect him with love and prayer and know that God is always there for him and us. 

lots of love,

Pregnancy Update

Wow what a day!  I did not realize going to the appointment would end up being an ALL DAY event!  The appointment was at 1:30, 2:00 really but needed to be there early to fill out all the fun paperwork.  We had to bring Caden because we had no idea how long it would take.  Glad we did because I would hate to put someone out for that long to watch Caden. Not to mention he would be very upset!  We left at 1130 and traveled the 2 hours to Northside Hospital.

The appointment went as well as it could have!  We got to see little Christian again during the ultrasound :) He was moving and kicking and wiggling around. He looks so big!  I look at my little tummy and think where are you in there?! haha.  He's 7 ounces right now which is really good! 

So they measured the blood flow in the brain and the heart.  As a reminder if the baby is not able to keep up with the antibodies attacking his red blood cells than the blood flow will be much faster than it should be and the heart would be working overtime.  Right now the doctor said the baby's blood flow is faster than he would like to see but not at a point to be concerned because at 16 weeks there's no "normal".  

We sat with Dr. Korotkin as he explained what to expect.  He anticipates that the baby will most likely need at least one blood transfusion.  When they monitor the baby if they see he needs a transfusion they will have me stay there and do the transfusion there at the office.  I will most likely need to stay one night to be monitored.  He also explained once the baby needs a transfusion they will need to do one every 3 weeks after that.  

He would like to see me once every week for monitoring. I know right! It's far but whatever it takes.  My next appointment however will not be until Oct 11th.  Not this monday but the next.  I'm 16.5 weeks right now and they don't do transfusions starting until I'm around 18 or 19 weeks so the baby will be big enough.  That's of course if I even need one!! 

Take it a day at a time and just leave it up to God.  We're prepared for whatever happens.  As much as we can be at least.  God definitely is giving me strength right now.  I'm just thankful Christian is doing well right now. And that I can feel his little kicks :)

By the time we got home it was 6.  I guess I can expect one day a week to be spent in Atlanta.  Maybe I will make a list of things I want but can't get here in Columbus :) If you have any questions just ask and I'll do my best to explain!  I hope this wasn't too difficult to understand. Thanks again for wanting to stay updated on what is going on :) Love Yall!! 

16 weeks!!

Well today I am 16 weeks prego with Christian :) It's funny that I already know it's a boy because we waited with Caden until the 20 week appt! Can't believe I waited that long with him!   So anyway I took a 16 week picture even though I really haven't "popped" yet.

With Caden I didn't pop until 17 weeks. So I am interested to see what happens this time :) At first I was kind of worried about not gaining any weight, and actually losing a few pounds since my last visit to the doctor because with Caden I had gained 5 pounds within the first trimester.  And also people have made lots of comments saying things like "are you eating?" and when I say how far along I am they look at me completely shocked and say "you don't look pregnant at all! WOW."  I know nobody means to be rude but sometimes their expressions make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I dunno.

Anyway!  I realized though that with Caden I was working and SITTING all day long.  And I didn't start showing until after 17 weeks.  And now I'm constantly on the go, taking care of Caden, the house, errands, all kinds of things. So I'm not stressed. I'm tracking right along and the baby only weighs a few ounces right now so I shouldn't even have extra weight yet other than more blood and fluid in me!

Here's a pic of my belly with Caden when I was 15 weeks. ( I didn't take a 16 week pic but close enough)

A little more tan and tone then ;) hehe. But same size belly I think. I've started to feel little movements and it's so fun!  Mostly in the evenings when I'm sitting on the couch, or when I first lay down in bed.  It also gives me so much comfort knowing he's doing good in there moving and kicking like he should.  Gives me hope that everything's just fine so far!  Speaking of, he just kicked me! Hey buddy :) Love you too.



It's a BOY! AGAIN! :)

We are so excited to find out that we will have another little boy!  Although we should have known :) Boys definitely dominate the Marx family!  His name is Christian Able Marx.  Yes we are spelling his middle name L E  instead of  E L.   His name to us means Christ is Able. Able to watch over this baby and me, and give us the strength we need to get through whatever happens during this pregnancy. And through whatever happens in Life!  Grandma Nancy gave us a great idea for a nickname too!  Since his initials will be C.A.M that can be his nickname! Cam. I love it :) Thanks Granma! 

It's going to be so fun to see Caden and his little brother!  And bonus we already have all boy stuff! We just have to buy him his own furniture and figure out themes for their rooms.  Since we will have boys they will share a room eventually.  

This appointment was SO MUCH BETTER than the last. :) It started out with the ultrasound!  I almost thought the baby wouldn't move to show us what was going on down there because he was just chillin hiding it!  But we got to see him moving around and waving his arms and see his little heart beat. And finally after a few nudges he moved and showed us he's a BOY! I got a little teary eyed in there. It is just so fun to see how much bigger he is now!  My first ultrasound he was just a little spot on the screen and now he's a little baby!  Here's some pictures of the ultrasound:

This picture is sooo precious.  He's all curled up and you can see some of his facial features. Can't wait to see what he looks like!

He's kind of holding his head here.

And here's a good picture from bottom to head. :)

The rest of the appointment with the doc was pretty quick.... well I had to wait for almost an HOUR before I finally saw him.  I guess he got really behind. But once I went back it was pretty fast.  He just confirmed that I had an appointment with the specialist in Atlanta next week, and listened to the heartbeat.  Right now everything is kind of just depending on what the specialist says. I will be seeing Dr. Korotkin.  Dr. Simpson says if I do need a intrauterine blood transfusion then Dr. Korotkin is the best perinatalogist in Georgia as he's had experience. Even if our original Peri was still in Columbus he said it would still be in our best interest to see Dr. Korotkin.  You want a doctor that knows what he's doing right?! 

Now I get to plan the boys rooms :) I'm so glad too because I've always hated our guest room.  Just kind of collects everything that's "extra".   So my organization drive will  be put to good use :) I have lots of other things to Blog about but I'll get to that hopefully later this week.  I've been busy playing catch up on the housework!