Everything is different. Some days are better than others. And really it's not a whole day that's painful but more like moments when something triggers those emotions. I feel like it's mostly at night. When Caden's in bed and I dont have a task or activity keeping me occupied. My mind starts to think about all that has happened. Remembers that at this time of the day I would normally be feeling his strong kicks. Researching things to register for. Blogging about the pregnancy. Feeling completely content. Now I feel lost almost. Part of me wants to jump back into a routine of working out, cleaning, organizing, constantly on the go. But then I feel guilty. And all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a few days. If only Caden would be willing to cuddle with me for that long. He would get bored after an hour... lol. Silly boy.
I'm so eternally grateful for Caden. He makes everything better.
I can't even say how wonderful everyone has been during this time for us. My mommy and me group arranged meals for us for the last two weeks. People from Jeremy's work have brought us meals too and we have received so many flowers and plants and cards and letters from not only friends and family but strangers who heard our story and wanted to send their love and prayers. I know I said it doesn't stop the hurt but to feel the love from others is definitely comforting.
I've been trying to find comfort in the word. Right now this is my favorite verse: "Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13
I feel like this describes who I am and what I try to do every day. When I read it I feel stronger. "And do everything with love" Isn't that so powerful? It is easy to start to get angry and upset and want to take it out on those around me. Tell everyone to stop talking and leave me alone! But it's important to still show others that despite this pain we are going through that we still love the Lord. And we love others. So I would like to leave you with those words today. I pray that no matter what you are going through that you remember to "Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love."
Hi Jessi. I am a childhood friend of Jeremy's. I've been following your blog since Alysa told me about it a while back. I am so sorry for your loss and think of you all the time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in college, I experienced a very deep and painful loss. A few months later, I heard someone say something that struck a chord, so I immediately wrote it in my Bible. I came across is the other day and again thought of you.
This person told me, "God may not will what has happened to you, but He will never waste it."
This statement gave me so much comfort. It helped me understand that God is loving and compassionate and did not want this awful thing to happen to me. Now, looking back, I can see all of the beauty that came from the situation, and I give that glory back to Him.
My prayer is that you will feel held by our Lord while you grieve and that He will give you eyes to see the beauty.
God is faithful!
Love,
Stacy