Sunday, January 2, 2011

Walk by Faith

Right now we are driving home to Georgia and I've had a lot of time to think about our life together as a family, and the trials we have been through with losing Christian.  It's been 2 months since we found out Christian went to be with Jesus.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about him or miss him.  And I know the same goes for Jeremy.  And each day is a struggle.  A struggle for me to not be angry and overwhelmingly sad.  Some days are more of a struggle than others. 

I think about my faith in The Lord during the time I was pregnant with Christian and I know I trusted Him completely.  I knew He was in control.  I trusted in His plan for us and for Christian.  And I felt like He was telling me it was going to be ok.  That Christian would make it.  It so obviously wasnt.  Christian was suddenly taken.  And that's the hardest thing I've had to deal with.  I believed in my heart that our baby boy would live and that instinct was wrong. 

So how do I trust again? Its never been in my nature to be negative. Or live in fear.  And I've felt that way these past two months.  It's natural to feel that way I know.  And I've let myself feel it. I cry when I'm sad, and I get angry, and I pray and try to find peace in what's happened.  It will take a long time.

But with the new year beginning I've felt a little more at peace.  So much happens in this life that we cannot understand.  It's walking by Faith that gets us through it.  And I have to remind myself of this everyday.  I am focusing more on my relationship with God and knowing that He is in control.  All the time.  And on those days that would have been significant milestones in my pregnancy where all I feel is hurt I will still walk by faith.  And let God know what I'm feeling and ask Him to comfort me. 

1 comment:

  1. Heather SmithJanuary 05, 2011

    I was reading the book of Job over the holidays, and when we went to church tonight our class was kind of an overview/discussion on what we learned from the book. And our preacher made an amazing point that I never thought of before in all my years of reading the story of Job. In the beginning of the book God says to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him. He is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." Then we talked about how amazing it was that God had enough faith in Job to basically tell Satan, "Do to him what you will, but I know he will remain faithful." And it made me think of you. And I could hear God saying, "Have you considered my servant Jessi?" He knows you and knows your faith is strong and He believes in you. I love you, Jessi!

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