Dancing in the rain...

My heart is a storm of emotions.  So much has been going on lately both wonderful and painful at the same. exact. time.  It's completely exhausting.
 I had two nephews born last month.  Two beautiful, adorable blessings born to two of my sisters that are already amazing mothers.  I am so happy for them and so happy to be an aunt!  At the same time last month was the year anniversary of losing our baby boy Christian.  Amongst the pain of remembering our son, and celebrating our first nephew Hampton, was the joy of learning we were pregnant!  Then....only a week later, and on the exact day we had lost christian, I miscarried.  As I type that, my heart is in knots. 
Why would God do that to me? to us? I was so angry, and hurt, and sad.  But I couldnt share it with anyone.  I didnt want to take away from my sister's new little miracle.  I didnt want to make it real. 
But it was.  It happened.  And yes, it's aweful.
 

“He heals the brokenhearted…” Psalm 147:3

Not long ago I heard from a dear friend that she was pregnant!  I have so many friends right now that are expecting it's hard to keep up, but this news was so special and while it does hurt a little every time I hear someone else is experiencing the joy of pregnancy, I also am filled with excitment and happiness!  I am so thankful that my friends can go through a normal, healthy pregnancy and not the pain of loss like I've dealt with.  Unfortunately this same friend let me know a week later that she too had miscarried.... I couldnt help but cry. 

  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4

I have been working on my relationship with the Lord.  And when I am so angry and hurt and confused I tend to push away and not talk to Him.  But isn't that exactly the time I need him most? And isn't that part of a relationship? To share your innermost feelings with someone you love and be comforted.  To know someone else understands and cares about you.  And who better to hear me than God himself?  So instead of just the usual praying, asking, and praising I tend to do, instead I vented. I cried. And maybe even yelled a little.  I felt better.  He wasnt arguing back. He was just listening.  And I remembered Job.  God did not punish him, He didnt take away everything he held dear, it was Satan.  A test of Job's faith.  Proving no matter what Satan puts us through, our faith will only grow stronger as God proves to never fail us. 

“…I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.”  Jeremiah 31:13

I cannot sit here and tell you that Satan is the cause of all suffering because we are human and born of sin and we can never know God's purpose. 

"....Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." Job 42:3

Like Job, we will not know what purposes are behind things we experience in this life, but we can trust that God does not wish for us to suffer, and will always turn our mourning into gladness, and give comfort and joy instead of sorrow. always. 

Recently my hubby deployed.  Yes right before Christmas is hard, but at the same time we get to be around family.  And under the circumstances there is no one else in the world I would rather spend the holidays with.  My parents are flying down and we are spending Christmas at my brother's.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I spent Christmas with my side of the family.  It's going to be a time filled with treasured memories.  And Instead of weathering the storm from all the pain, I'm going to dance in the rain.  And celebrate the birth of a baby who saved us all.   Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior!